The Bombshell of Being an Unexpected Single Mum

This post also featured on Any Other Woman in March 2013:

I am a new mum and newly single after a 10 year relationship, 3 of which were in marriage. My daughter is only 11 weeks old and the bombshell my husband was having an affair hit just before New Year when she was only 9 weeks old.

Now they say that time is a great healer but it’s only 2 and half weeks on and I still cry every day. I wonder how much time will pass until that stops?

The tears are for different reasons as my emotions and outlook on what happened oscillate daily. It is a bereavement: a bereavement for my old life before pregnancy, a bereavement for the man I thought I had married and a bereavement for the life I thought I was going to have for myself and my daughter.

However, some days I feel relief too. I no longer have to feel lonely in the same room as my husband. Pregnancy forced me to adapt and change. He couldn’t – a control freak who felt out of control for once and couldn’t cope with the idea of responsibilities and growing up. I’m no longer sweeping under the carpet the weaknesses of my husband and no longer feeling my most vulnerable, as I did at the end of pregnancy and early days of motherhood. I’m getting my balls back- or is it my pelvic floor?

My beautiful daughter has been my rock and I hers, when he should have been for both of us. She is getting more bonnie every day and her personality is coming through every day and I can be proud that it is all down to me. After a few teething problems in motherhood I now feel like a natural and motherhood fulfills me in every way. That is one of the positives I have to take from this. She will be kind, loyal and generous, all the things her Father failed to be, in the end. Finding positives stop me from going under. The other positive is that I can afford to be selfish now – no more compromise. My dreams for the future may have been shattered but I’m enjoying creating new ones in my mind. So, I shall list below the dreams I now have for my darling daughter and I. It will be interesting reviewing them in time:

  1. Cherishing every day with my daughter and keeping a video and photographic diary of her milestones.
  2. A 2 bed little cottage somewhere, which I can furnish how I like. Bring on the soft furnishings and scatter cushions.
  3. Working part-time
  4. Swimming lessons with my baby
  5. Learning to horse-ride with my daughter
  6. Going on a girlie holiday (friendship has won out through all of this)
  7. Meeting a man who will spoil me
  8. 5* holidays (not the travel lodge or hostel)
  9. Running a B&B in St. Ives
  10. Learning to scuba dive.
  11. Re-marrying with a fairy tale wedding day I didn’t do the first time around.

Number 7 and 11 may seem unusual in my current position – surely I should hate men? But upon reflection, I did have 10 good years with my ex, he is the father of my child and I hope he will be a good Dad, albeit part-time. He was my best friend for that time but to stay in a relationship you have to stay on the same page and want to turn to the next chapter together. Pregnancy forced me to grow up and adapt, whilst my husband is forever young. And so, we grew apart over a short and life changing space of time. When the going gets tough it’s fight or flight. He flew. But I know there are men out there with bigger balls and who will love and support and persevere when times are tough. Although I am realistic, I know it will take me a long while to find that person. My baby is my priority now.

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19 thoughts on “The Bombshell of Being an Unexpected Single Mum

  1. Thank you for sharing this, it must have been hard for you to write. It’s a very inspiring story and although at times you may feel weak, read this and see the strength winning through and know that it is in you. XX

  2. Hi I’m in a very similar position to you. Except my husband left when our son was 8 months old, so I’d had a little longer to adjust to being a mum. That happened a year ago. Like you, I was/still am in shock but also relieved, our relationship wasn’t perfect and in lots of ways things are much better now than if he was still around.

    I love your list, there’s no-one holding you back from doing any of those things now. You sound like you have loads of support, it’s going to be hard at times but you’ll do it.

    I don’t have any magic advice, but I avoided dealing with the emotional stuff for months as initially adrenaline and anger fulled me into going back to work and taking control over my life to make sure I could look after my son financially. I didn’t really deal with the emotional stuff until it hit me out of the blue much later on and it’s hit me hard.

    I look forward to reading your blog 🙂 x

  3. I was in a similar situation almost 4 years ago now, i was with my ex 9 years and the day before my 12 week scan i found out he’d been cheating, he walked away from me and our little boy until the end of the pregnancy when he came with every promise of being there and providing… my little boy is now 3 and 3 months, not seen his father since he was 6 weeks old (and that was only the 2nd time) Something snapped so to speak in me a few months ago and now, finally I’m ready to fully 100% move on and take more control over my life. I’m not saying I’ve been sat dwelling on what happened more just muddling through life but now I’ve started working self employed which in turn is getting me out there more, I got a rescue dog in the summer which gives me the push to get out there a bit more and explore my surrounding (I moved needing a fresh start whilst pregnant). I remember for about the 1st 6 months or so I’d go to bed in the evening thinking “another day over and we’re both still OK”

    It’s always nice to meet and read about other single parents and hear how well we seem to cope and how strong we become. People always say “I don’t know how you do it” well… you just do, what’s the alternative??? you become mom and dad, the good guy and bad guy, but most of all you become stronger than ever!

    I’m looking forward to following your ‘story’ and hopefully pic up a few tips along the way 🙂

    • Your situation sounds terrible. Atleast my husband wants to be a Dad and will provide for our baby.
      I’m looking forward now not back. I’m already overwhelmed with how different my life is just through this blogging business. I would never have thought it a month ago. We are the stronger and fairer sex. Keep strong for your little on. Life hey?- ups downs but never boring.

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  6. Hi there. I recognize so much of what you’re feeling and write about as I was in a very similar situation almost four years ago. I, too, started a blog and found the writing helped me maintain my sanity. So do keep going! It gets easier, I swear…Sending you love and support from the Indie sisterhood xx
    …xx

    • Hi – it’s reassuring to know others have been through this, survived and come out the other side happy. I’m feeling stronger every day and know that patience is a virtue. Thank you for checking out my blog and following me on Twitter – I shall do the same with you! x x

  7. Sorry to read this, really I am, but your blog is one of optimism, so it also feels there is much to celebrate. I sincerely hope you manage to tick off all eleven of your dreams. The first step is to express your dreams. You have done that, so you are on the path already. Good luck!

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  13. Wow mummy that is FULL ON! Way to go for how you have handled it though. We are stronger than we think aren’t we. I hope your daughter’s dad is stepping up and keeping involved with his little girl. I’m a single mummy too and it’s not easy but it’s also not as hard as I thought it would be. There are even some benefits (like scatter cushions and girly decor in general). Looking forward to reading more of your blog. 🙂

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