I became pregnant because I wanted to be a Mummy. Moreover, I wanted to be a family. I wanted to share in the happiness and joy that it would give me; that it would give us. But that was taken from me. She stole it from me. They stole it from me. I don’t get to share in my daughter’s joy. And when I feel ill or a bit run down I remember that and it hurts. Still. Instead, I get to share via facebook. Or, in telephone conversations with my family, where by the time I speak to them I’ve forgotten the minutia detail that made my heart sing at the time or made me smile and by then it’s a half story. And, yes, I do get to share with family and friends but it’s all too infrequent and most of the ‘firsts’ and amazing things tend to happen when it’s just me and her.
Hold on a minute…..let me just re-write that last bit and read it properly: most of the ‘firsts’ and amazing things tend to happen when it’s just me and her. I do get to share. I do! Of course! Stop being a melancholy fool!
That was never the purpose of this blog or writing. It was always meant to be therapeutic and has served as a useful tool in the healing process to stop me being bitter. I do get to share. I share with her. With my daughter. And I can’t think of anyone better to share things with.
My daughter turned 2 at the end of October and we have been having proper little conversations for a while now but she is getting more and more articulate and creative every day. This afternoon, whilst we were playing, I suggested we listen to music and sing as we usually like to do. However, this time my daughter took charge and said we were to play a new game, saying, “we play Gaga game Mummy’. She said this over and over as I listened to what she meant. She waddled over to her keyboard and pulled out her toy guitar. She then said, “We sing ga ga song, play ga ga game, like ‘Let it go’ Frozen”. I said, ‘What is the ga ga game?” She replied, ‘The gaga game is…. and trailed off with a little puzzled look n her face as she tried to find the words. So, I still wasn’t sure what this game she had created was so I told her to go first. She gently pressed on her keyboard and sang ‘Ga ga, ga ga’ to the tune of Baa Baa Black sheep. She then encouraged me to do the same with the guitar and so I did. We then swapped instruments on her instruction and of we went again, in unison, “Gaga gaga ga” but this time to the tune of ‘Let it go’. All the while, my daughter instructing the game and what to sing and me following. It was a funny game and we laughed our heads off doing it. She then led me from place to place and toy to toy in our house. We danced in the kitchen to the Frozen soundtrack with, my daughter singing all, yes all, the words with arm actions and facial expressions to match. I pushed her around on her toy car singing “Hi ho Hi ho it’s off to work we go!” as she announced, “Me off to work. I work with computers’. She also stuck stickers all over my coffee table claiming, “me make Mummy’s house look beautiful’.
And you know what my darling? You do. You make everything beautiful. In these moments you astonish and astound me and give me so much joy. We share in this joy together as we experience the fun and the giggles together. WE share. I realise I don’t need to share with anyone else. As you get older and even more chatty and creative I can’t wait to share more good times with you. I mold you just as much as you mold me. You teach me things every day – about how to be the best Mummy I can be and to develop your wonderful creative nature and language even more. And I can’t wait until we share something special or new again.