I became pregnant because I wanted to be a Mummy. Moreover, I wanted to be a family. I wanted to share in the happiness and joy that it would give me; that it would give us. But that was taken from me. She stole it from me. They stole it from me. I don’t get to share in my daughter’s joy. And when I feel ill or a bit run down I remember that and it hurts. Still. Instead, I get to share via facebook. Or, in telephone conversations with my family, where by the time I speak to them I’ve forgotten the minutia detail that made my heart sing at the time or made me smile and by then it’s a half story. And, yes, I do get to share with family and friends but it’s all too infrequent and most of the ‘firsts’ and amazing things tend to happen when it’s just me and her.
Hold on a minute…..let me just re-write that last bit and read it properly: most of the ‘firsts’ and amazing things tend to happen when it’s just me and her. I do get to share. I do! Of course! Stop being a melancholy fool! 
That was never the purpose of this blog or writing. It was always meant to be therapeutic and has served as a useful tool in the healing process to stop me being bitter. I do get to share. I share with her. With my daughter. And I can’t think of anyone better to share things with.

My daughter turned 2 at the end of October and we have been having proper little conversations for a while now but she is getting more and more articulate and creative every day. This afternoon, whilst we were playing, I suggested we listen to music and sing as we usually like to do. However, this time my daughter took charge and said we were to play a new game, saying, “we play Gaga game Mummy’. She said this over and over as I listened to what she meant. She waddled over to her keyboard and pulled out her toy guitar. She then said, “We sing ga ga song, play ga ga game, like ‘Let it go’ Frozen”. I said, ‘What is the ga ga game?” She replied, ‘The gaga game is…. and trailed off with a little puzzled look n her face as she tried to find the words. So, I still wasn’t sure what this game she had created was so I told her to go first. She gently pressed on her keyboard and sang ‘Ga ga, ga ga’ to the tune of Baa Baa Black sheep. She then encouraged me to do the same with the guitar and so I did. We then swapped instruments on her instruction and of we went again, in unison, “Gaga gaga ga” but this time to the tune of ‘Let it go’. All the while, my daughter instructing the game and what to sing and me following. It was a funny game and we laughed our heads off doing it. She then led me from place to place and toy to toy in our house. We danced in the kitchen to the Frozen soundtrack with, my daughter singing all, yes all, the words with arm actions and facial expressions to match. I pushed her around on her toy car singing “Hi ho Hi ho it’s off to work we go!” as she announced, “Me off to work. I work with computers’. She also stuck stickers all over my coffee table claiming, “me make Mummy’s house look beautiful’.

And you know what my darling? You do. You make everything beautiful. In these moments you astonish and astound me and give me so much joy. We share in this joy together as we experience the fun and the giggles together. WE share. I realise I don’t need to share with anyone else. As you get older and even more chatty and creative I can’t wait to share more good times with you. I mold you just as much as you mold me. You teach me things every day – about how to be the best Mummy I can be and to develop your wonderful creative nature and language even more. And I can’t wait until we share something special or new again.



Two balloons, two candles and the two of us. Happy Birthday my ‘ena beena berry. My darling. Where have the last 2 years gone? My life has altered beyond comparison but you have made it better and enhanced the every day simple things. You are by little companion, my wonderful daughter and the love of my life.

You make me proud and make me laugh every day. You’re such a happy joyous little girl with a very funny sense of humour. “The birds will eat it” you say if you drop food on the floor. I said it one day to stop you picking it up and eating it. It’s stuck now, even indoors. The other day you decided displaying the contents of your mouth at dinner time was hilarious. I simply said “be careful don’t open your mouth because you know who’ll come and eat it?”. “Birds!” you cried and quickly shut your mouth. You dropped my phone the other day in the car and said “the birds will eat it!” You laughed your head off and then said,”no Mummy not dinner”. A very funny joke. One of many.image

Your Grams and Gramps visited for your birthday and were astonished at how you always say please and thankyou and have a fantastic vocabulary chitter chattering about what you like, asking questions, your favourite things and what you’re going to do. You love role play and putting me and your toys to bed. ¬†In fact, you like pretending so much you use the word ‘pretend’ and even pretend to be me with your toys but trying to change nappies, putting on ‘special cream as they’re sore’ and telling them off for being naughty and giving them a cuddle when they say sorry. Just like you and me. I’m very proud you are so polite and understand being naughty and being ‘kind’. However, sometimes you get a glint in your eye where I know you’re enjoying being naughty even if it doesn’t last long because I distract you!

You’ve also recently grasped the concept of ‘me share’- thank goodness! No more tantrums as you know sharing means being kind, getting Mummy kisses and means making friends. You proudly list the names of your friends at nursery and attempt to befriend children with a cuddle. You won’t take any nonsense ¬†though and if you don’t like what another child is doing you say ‘no little boy/girl’. My you can be bossy! I wonder where you get it from?

You got a Peppa Pig hair set complete with pretend hair dryer for your birthday from your Grampses. You love pretending to do my hair and say, “me do it gentle”. Bless you. You love Peppa pig so much that you watch episodes over and over. To the point you reinact episodes and know all the songs! The other day you announced, ‘my talent is singing and dancing’ and pretended to have ‘me a secret club-you not in Mummy. Me my toys’. Classic- straight out of her favourite episodes.

You love to run, play chase around the house saying ‘catch me!’ You love cake, food in general, going on my shoulders, and ‘big cuddles’. You love to sing, your favourites are ‘Let it Go’ like all little girls and you love singing all the nursery rhymes at your little keyboard. I’m sure you’ll be an actress when you’re older with all your singing and pretending- especially as you pretend ‘me sad’ to try and get attention. You clever little chipolata!

I can’t wait to nurture you through the next year of your life to see what you say or do or what your talents truly become. One talent I know for sure is that you’re the best daughter in the world and I couldn’t be more proud or in love with you.